CanvasRunner

Hey everyone. Matthew here as always. First off I want to say this layout sucks. But let's get into the important stuff.

I'm really back. But im a changed person. My absence is owed to taking my time to figure myself out, try new things, and heal. I've did alot of things, reconnected with old friends, and made many stupid mistakes but im okay and that's okay and i can just teach people not to make those mistakes. Plus atleast i had alot of fun but just too much of it. But i made nothing that lasted. And I want to make something that lasts. something that's appreciated. I'll get into that.

(On a side note, i've been pushing myself way to hard and putting things before my health and mental health which i regret but i'm changing that now. I've also been passive about important things im handling now.)

Regardless, I've taken back my life. Like i've took a long look at it and realized, hey, maybe THIS ISN'T how i want it to be and i admitted to myself that i dont know where im going but discovered if i keep going where im going i wont like it. And i'm starting to climb down that direction i was climbing.

I've returned and looked at my gallery and see all the stuff i shared throughout the years and I feel regret. I feel years and time wasted on something i'm not proud of and i feel that with so many other things in my life. Regardless, i didn't sleep, my judgement is down so im not gonna get into that aspect.

I'm back for sure but i FEEL i dont want to use this account anymore (i still will) . I've done LOTS of embarrassing stuff with it that i wish i could do it all over again. Stuff you'd do as a kid but only you knew about it. It feels weird having the internet sort of know and just having that stuff out there to be pulled up by anyone. For me i feel i shouldn't get too personal talking personal problems and things online trying to figure things out. People need to get personal talking to someone one on one or more (irl if you will), figure it out, and move on. I did it the wrong way (it makes me wish i didnt grow up around social media. period). I really want to just delete most of the things on here and archive it and move them to proper accounts and that's what i plan to do.

NEVER STAIN YOUR LEGACY. Make yourselves proud of what you used your time on and own up to mistakes and take responsibility. I can't undo my mistakes, wasted time or potential, but i can teach people not to make the bad decisions i did.

But yeah, it literally feels like I only became an adult now. I feel i was living like a child and trying desperately to not be responsible for my own life and blame the past i cant change. But as weird as it sounds, i watched old videos i made, was in, or use to watch and remembered old memories and it felt like i actually met the past and what i was scared of was nothing but an idea. I felt how crazy it is to be where i am now that all the things i enjoyed from that long ago were now so far away and i hardly remember things that troubled me back then. It makes me realize how much things can change and puts things into perspective. Im not at peace and a real adult. Like im an adult! Holy crap! So i better get real with my life and embrace it. My goal is to depend on myself. Atleast be able to drive and take myself to the doctors or work when i need to. Also actually be funny. I always make myself laugh and i make others laugh too. That's another thing I'd like to embrace and cherish.

Aside from accounts and decisions i've come to, i'm doing okay. I was incredibly ill for days. But that gave me enough time to slow down, go on walks, remember my life experiences, and truly reflect. im inlove with life again and divorced the things that didnt work. also yeah my relationship is still great but im keeping it off the internet to protect it. Like Katie is STILL protecting seals and working hard at it too. But i've embarrassed her here and in all kinds of places in real life and on here enough so yeah dont do what i did.

This account is indeed just a love letter to my girlfriend but a badly written one, It sure has the username i want but man do i not want it with this account. I STILL want to use deviantart. So maybe i can keep the account and clean it up and ALSO change the username. The username is something I want to name a series i want to work on.

I feel i found myself. After all this time. I've discovered my own humor. What really matters to me. What makes me happy. So now im gonna start living a life that's real to me. I'm gonna start living and create things i know will be cherished. I'm back but this will be a secondary not so professional account where i can chill with everyone. As long as i made someone less depressed, it wasn't for nothing.

Im deeply sorry i have to close the contests. But I feel its for the better to close them for many reasons and it really is just the best thing to do now. Due to Deviantart's New Layout, it would be harder for me to navigate the ruined site. And because of the layout, other users have been either quitting or having a struggle with the platform. Also fuck eclipse. I'll keep saying that to get in the search filters. You cant even undo in journals anymore. Just making a journal is pretty hard in itself with this trash that added to why 2020 sucks as a year.

Another reason regarding this is I've figured the contests, the theme for these 3, were never important to me, and now i think they were never important to anyone, and they were never relevant to what and why i set out to make these contests. I made them because I was prone to the anxiety of catching covid so I wanted to make a difference and get support for it to get through this together while slowing the spread. Later on.... okay.... now this is just my opinion; I feel the whole thing was over blown. Im not saying it isnt serious or nothing to worry about.

I just feel with recent events that happened, all this self isolation was all for nothing. How we handled it when it was a big deal was great though we could have done more in the early stages. Other than that, im not in charge of telling people to follow the rules. In the end im just someone trying to do my part and the contests were just me going beyond that. But now i feel they never mattered and i just wasted my time. Regardless, its still great for us to thank people putting themselves in harms way to keep us all living. Thank your bus driver if you use public transit. Thank the cashiers. But also just be grateful youre doing alright because it could have been worse but were doing okay

For me personally, i enjoyed the wakeup call about things like how short life can be, forgiveness and mindfulness for mental health, healthy eating, living a good life, and taking care of your body. I feel some good things really did come from all this. Im actually working towards a career after realizing that if i died now, i lived my worst life and i feel i now have a path to take in life. I changed how i was living and gained a better understanding of both health and fitness. And run often and eat healthier nutrient dense foods.

There honestly was no need for the contests. It's one of those problems that takes care of itself.

Maybe next year i can do contests. I do not plan on doing contests throughout the year anymore. Especially with this layout. With this new eclipse journal layout, contests are extinct. I just want to spend more time on myself and my girlfriend now so ill take it as a sign for me to move onto other things.

Enjoy your stay :)